Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.

I’m 36 going on 37.

Old enough to play a high-school student in a major motion picture.

[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it

Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.

I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.

She loves me

[forgets to run the dishwasher]

She loves me not

I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.

Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.

Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”

Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*

[me talking to someone one year younger than me]

listen, kid…

Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”

Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it

Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.

Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.

Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone

My phone: Yeah, you crack me up

I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.

I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.

We squint at the sun because it’s bright.

We squint at people because they are not.

Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.

For the record, saying somebody of the same sex is handsome or pretty or attractive does not make you seem gay at all, but prefacing that statement with “I’m not gay but…” kinda does

Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?

We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.

I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.

Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?

I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in

-My dog, all day long.

Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire

Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.

I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*

*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day

E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band

Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.