THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP
“No”
WE WON’T ASK AGAIN
“No”
Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again
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You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.
My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.
I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
WAITER: whaddaya have?
DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat
TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm
WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.
Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
humans only use 10% of their treadmills
[at my funeral]
pastor: hey this casket is empty
me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.
Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.
the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me
I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef