This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
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We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
👏WHY👏DO👏WE👏CALL👏TINY👏BAGS👏”BAGGIES”👏BUT👏TINY👏BOXES👏AREN’T👏CALLED👏”BOXIES”👏THAT’S👏SOME👏BULLSHIT👏CALL👏THEM👏”BOXIES”👏IMMEDIATELY👏NO👏JUSTICE👏NO👏PEACE👏AND👏WHATNOT!👏
Me: Can we talk?
Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.
Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.
we all know this pain all too well
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Genie: last wish
Me: I wish I could fly
*poof*
Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
I had a well check visit today & my doctor, in the middle of listening to my chest, asked me how the library was & if it was busy now that kids were back in school.
I don’t work at a library. I don’t know what he’s talking about.
I just rolled with it. The library is fiiiiiine.
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
THERAPIST: [over the phone] How have you been passing the time?
ME: [mixing 4 types of cereal together to create a stronger, more delicious super cereal] I’m learning to cook
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.
You’ve trained your whole life for this.
Take the shot.
Kill the moon.
A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.
I just squealed when I saw my daughter brought home 2 lost water bottles from school. This is my life now.
Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.
Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.
judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”
I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands
MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.
‘You have a PhD!’ I whisper encouragingly to myself as I creep, terrified, towards the spider [I don’t, but the spider doesn’t know this]
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes