This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
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People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*
Me: “How do you pronounce that?”
Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”
I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that the language attorneys use with all that legal jargon was called ‘Courtugese’ and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
🍞🦆
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
[naming god’s creations]
mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth
insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend
angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant
insect 7: yay!
angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater
mammal 93: ya- wait wut?
The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
best heckle of my life. I just did the setup to a joke and a drunk lady in the front shouts out “that’s too niche!”
I can’t stop watching this.
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”
*updates tinder bio*
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.
Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?