Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga

Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.

You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.

*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…

I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.

VILLAIN: *Stroking cat* I’ve been expec-
BOND: OMG your kitty is so cute! Can I pet him?!
V:*Whining* Tiiim, you said this was intimidating!

My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call

Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040

The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.

[when we’re a quarter of the way there]

Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-

Me: not yet Bon Jovi

Today is the day I go back to the gym.

Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.

[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.

A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”

[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:

robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference

boss: you’re six hours late

Tip for twitter newbies:

Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.

“You ruined everything.”

-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops

im all 3

and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.

I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.

I think the most financially irresponsible thing I’ve done is get my kids to like sushi.

White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.

Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.

*puts on winter boots*

*trudges through newly fallen legos*

Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice pack

K2: *fever*
SN: Ice pack

K3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice pack

K4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack

One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.

The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.

If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department

Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot

Priest: absolutely not

My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.

My body is like my phone battery. Usually drained by 4pm.

I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.