This is the dumbest apocalypse ever
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How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.
Me: Absolutely. Email me?
*exercises sarcastically*
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
Qualifications for local sewer clown are pretty simple: dress the part, fit in a storm drain and be willing to work for screams.
ME: My dog loves it when I work from home.
DOG [to camera, opening beer]: Between you and me, it’s incredibly inconvenient. I had shit planned today.
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
If I don’t get ordained as a priest and install a mirror in my confessional I’ll never forgive myself.
My two-year olds have reached the age where they can remember when I’ve told them that we’ll do something “later” and I don’t want to overstate it but I’m pretty sure this is the worst thing that’s ever happened to me.
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.
“Somebody needs to go to the store!”-mom yelling from the kitchen
“Jason, you think you’re somebody. Why don’t you go to the store?”- Dad
a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.