This is the dumbest end of the world ever.
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My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
I’ve started using “good gravy” around the house as an exclamation, and guys, it’s going great.
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
[in hell]
Me: omg is that melted cheese
Satan: no it’s lav-
Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
God sends his most incorrect food & drink orders to his most conflict avoidant soldiers
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
Wow 🤣
ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]
Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.
Just caught a glimpse of myself in a shop window and realised I’ve got my trousers on upside down 🤦🏻♂️
The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.
My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.
2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
Dance like you’re not the father
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo
SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass