This is the dumbest end of the world ever.
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every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.
[Space]
No one: I can hear screaming
You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus
Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem
would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”
Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?
Me: …hiss like a cat?
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
Hello, my voicemail is currently unavailable. To leave a message please speak slowly and clearly into the nearest toaster
*jazz hands*
On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
3yo (confidently): But Mommy, people do not eat cows.
Me: Uh, bud, we do. Hamburgers are made of cow.
3yo (uncertain laughter): Mommy, that is funny for pretend. But I mean for REAL.
Me: Yes, for real!
3yo (w/ scorn) No.
Me: What do you think burgers are made of?
3yo: People?😶
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.
[in court during a murder trial]
hotdog vendor: HOOTTT DOOGGG
me: right here
i would wish you the best but i am the best
So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
*pitching Sylvester and Tweety cartoons*
Creator: A cat and a bird try to outsmart each other.
Executive: Yawn. Boring.
Creator: They both have speech impediments.
Executive: I love it.
overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day
Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”