Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.

Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.

Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet

I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur

I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.

ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon

Me: love it

ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon

Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes

ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon

Me: that’s an amer-

ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon

Me: goddammit

No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.

aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary

*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*

Nothing scarier than your husband taking the kids to Petco “just to look” then texting you “we got a surprise”

I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos

Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.

Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.

YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.

WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.

THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.

2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)

2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)

if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.

Her: *5 paragraphs of text

Me: 👍

I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.

[Shouts to passing jogger]

“Is there cake?”

I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.

ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building

Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!

*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”

I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.

Resist all the cheese, I can’t.

My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.

I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..

the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh

Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.

The Friday File.

me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***

*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms

Wife: you need to prepare the turkey

Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you