Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.

Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.

You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.

Gravestone inscription “Hey guys, I’m going to be taking a little break from social media”

me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”

Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain

[at Super Bowl party]

Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK

Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow

Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON

I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.

“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.

After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.

a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready

Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*

YOU: Your guess is as good as mine

ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?

YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine

Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?

I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.

He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.

Today I walked out of the baseball complex carrying two Gatorades, a half-eaten snack, a 40oz Stanley and a 4yo, and the 4yo had the audacity to tell me to walk faster.

Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.

If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?

Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes

Women would be all over Bruce Wayne if he showed them the bat cave, but when I say… “hey wanna check out this cave under my house?”…. I get karate chopped

me: [donating body to science]

science: [donates my body to goodwill]

it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman

DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*

are there any atheist mantises?

no cat here

The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:

“How I Met Your Mothra”

My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions

*gets in taxi*

Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.

Cabbie: Where to?

Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.

can we all find some common ground and just agree that if anything should be illegal it’s 1ply toilet paper