Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.

8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this

7: Golf is not fun to watch

ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context

7: What are nuances and context

Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make

7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not

Me:

7: Usually not

Me:

7: They aren’t even good at it.

[gates of Valhalla]

ODIN: did you die in battle?

[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]

ME: ya

Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.

I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.

There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.

Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since

her: this man needs medical help

me: let me through I’m a doctor

her: why are you opening his mouth?

me: no cavities

her: he’s having a heart attack

me: flosses regularly

her: do something

me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great

Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.

left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it

[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself

can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭

Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.

since there are no other vulcans on the enterprise and the crew has no comparison Spock could be and probably is bullshitting them most of the time

2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.

2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.

broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him

I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.

one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar

I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.

I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.

I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.

Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.

Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you

hotel guest: what room am I in?

me: this is the lobby

manager: can I talk to you

*simone doing her vault with an insane height*
german commentator: “usually only snoop dogg is this high”

i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke

My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call

[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]

*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”

i have an area in my backyard i call “the big stew” it’s a pit i dug where i dump old batteries, gas, household chemicals, and dr pepper. i stir it once a month