Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Doctor: are u high?

Me: no, why?

D: bc ur dressed like Batman

M: well maybe Batman dresses like me

D:…

M: alright yea im a lil high

VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?

Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.

ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy

Therapist: So what’s the problem?

Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.

Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.

*lowers foot that was raised*

My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.

Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.

Woke up against my better judgement again

Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY

You: make yourself at home

Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*

I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.

Optometrist: better or worse?

Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now

Woke up at 5am because I rolled over and my foot got too close to my dog and he started barking to make sure me and all my neighbors knew.

Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret

Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.

*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*

Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.

*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!

Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.

you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)

I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.

THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP

“No”

WE WON’T ASK AGAIN

“No”

Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again

I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details

My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…

Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: is my trunk open?

Cop: no.

Me: then it’s definitely not for the body in my trunk

Here
Here
Here
Here
Here
Here
Here

-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.

HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.

Funny women are smart. Be careful.

no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I

I have pepper spray and I’m not afraid to use it.

*rifles around in purse* No, that’s not it. Hold on. Can you hold this?

*hands murderer a crumpled wad of CVS receipts*

I had it right here. Maybe in the zipper part? Goddamn, why is this sock here — okay, wait —

Murderer:

Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?

“Hey, how’s it been out here this morning?” “We just had a patron who asked to be taken to the section where we keep all the books about anvils.” “Were they by any chance a coyote?”