“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
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Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back
6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
Bear knowledge
The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.
BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?
GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.
BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.
GF: [eyes narrow]
“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.
this is literally a CIA plant
To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.
To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.
MOST RESTAURANTS:
Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”
TWITTER IS NOT BACK IN BRAZIL YET
IT WAS A BUGQUICK I DONT HAVE MUCH TIME
THE KRABBY PATTY SECRET FORMULA IS-
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
hello darkness my old friend
why are you here it’s 6:00 pm
therapist: and how do we react to conflict?
me: with sarcasm?
therapist: try again
me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM
therapist: much better
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper