“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
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Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”
STEVE: How about a Kasteve?
BOB: I have a better idea
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.
*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym**wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*
Me, a math teacher writing a problem on the board: who can solve this
Student, slowly raising hand: it just says who has a hot, single dad
*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
Me: *accidentally types url wrong one time*
Navigation Bar: [every day for 15 years] Do you wanna go to Faceboot today? Huh? You wanna visit a boot with a face on it? Huh, you piece of shit? Is that what you wanna do? Moron.
*getting murdered*
WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*Okay, proceed.
This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be
3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato
Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie
I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
“ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“RE-ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“ERROR. PASSWORDS MUST BE IDENTICAL”.
Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!
Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!