Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.

They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer

You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek

You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?

Trevor in human resources.

Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?

I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.

reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please

this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this

Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*

My organs: We strike at dawn.

Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’

Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.

How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope

Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL

I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what

You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.

Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.

Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.

WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe

My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.

I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.

Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…

Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird

this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray

Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’

Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?

If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.

Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great

Quarantine Day 23: Today the kids and I made shivs…fine, we sharpened pencil crayons for a craft. But by the end of it, I definitely felt like stabbing someone.