this is the funniest wrong number text i’ve ever gotten

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[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright


“A cop pulled me over came up to the window and said, i smell marijuana… i said, i smell bacon… yeah i was that high lol”


I donate blood once a month. It’s not mine but I know I’m making a real difference.


Damn girl are you Schrodinger’s cat cos you’re in a box and all these nerds are talking about you?

Sir have some respect this is a funeral.


Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.

Twitter: Hold my beer.


Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.


Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”


Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.


Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.