@noahapaul

this is the funniest wrong number text i’ve ever gotten

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@girlnarly

[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright

@TheTimeIGotHigh

“A cop pulled me over came up to the window and said, i smell marijuana… i said, i smell bacon… yeah i was that high lol”

@mydmac

I donate blood once a month. It’s not mine but I know I’m making a real difference.

@breadzeppellin

Damn girl are you Schrodinger’s cat cos you’re in a box and all these nerds are talking about you?

Sir have some respect this is a funeral.

@sixfootcandy

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.

Twitter: Hold my beer.

@aveuaskew

Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.

@stephenjmolloy

[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”

@badbanana

Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.

@iLikeCatShirts

Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.