Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.

My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.

That about sums up motherhood.

My cousin is supposedly into taekwondo but he never finished his training.

He has a belt in partial arts

I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.

I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭

Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.

If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off

Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.

Question of the day :

If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?

anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”

INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?

ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments

[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?

“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken

STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb?

PERSON WHO DOESN’T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.

[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”

– What have you come as?

– A Werewolf.

– But… they’re your normal clothes.

– It’s not a full moon.

I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.

“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”

~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions

I’ve just turned off the news and put on a serial killer documentary to relax.

#Caturday

5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday

What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?

fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians

Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok

Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.

3 yr old: “At my next birthday will I go back to normal? Will I get littler again?”

Me: “no honey. Each birthday you get bigger. You’ll continue to grow. Isn’t that cool?!”

3 yr old: starts sobbing.

Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.

How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?

Nobody:

Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME

There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.