This is the greatest and I won’t hear otherwise.
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I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo
You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel
Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow
Did it hurt, when my ice cream outlasted yours?
At the International League of Assassins
Me: Do you guys have a summer internship or is it mostly “on the job” training?
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.