This is the greatest and I won’t hear otherwise.
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friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”
[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind
*wonders if people named Mike shout “mic drop” instead of “parkour” when they fall over
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
OP deleted but I saved my stupid joke for posterity anyway
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”
Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?
[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
Pleasantly surprised to discover the treadmill I bought came with a remote control so I can run it from my recliner.
Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%
If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.
My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.
GRAVES.
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy