this is the greatest thing ever
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My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you
I told my vodka about you.
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄
*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*
genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?
mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye
genie: *looks at the lamp*
lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*
genie: i for an eye 🙂
NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?
14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”
Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.
Me: Yes, is it still 666?
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder yearsWonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn
I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
One hamburger please
CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here
Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please
Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.
Most fashion shows these days…