this is the greatest thing ever
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I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
Family Celebrity
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.
Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 👏For 👏Help 👏
My 13yo’s school supply list had “Trapper Keeper” on it. I thought I was going to have to time travel back to the 80s to grab one until I saw Target had already done that for me and had a few on their shelf.
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.
[Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.
My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.
My son said if a baby comes out feet first technically it wears its mom as a hat and I can’t unsee this.
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
Fun Things
“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”