This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
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Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.
Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?
Priest: yes
Me: and he rose from the grave
Priest: yes…
Me: because of the yeast?
Priest: no
Me: okay, none of this makes sense
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.
*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.
Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
Just grow your own
I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
[To Police Sketch Artist]
Me: “Black female…
5’3ish…
Brunette…
Curvy but not fat. Athletic, I guess…
Good sense of humor…
No kids — no divorcees either. Umm.. Must like dogs?…”Sketch Artist:…
Me: “Why have you stopped drawing?”
If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.
Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home
There should be a day between Sunday and Monday called Hang on a Second.