This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
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Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
The babysitter allowed our 4 year old to design 11 Boeing airliners today
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here
[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
It must be hard for a vampire to floss their fangs when they can’t see their reflection in a mirror.
Love triangle? You mean this Dorito?
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
The morning after pill, but for tweets
Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people
Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
Basketball
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷♀️
“You better not laugh. You better not cry.” — Santa Claus, gynecologist
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!