“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
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This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬
[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.
Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….
Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?
Her: Wow!
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.
[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.
Kids today will never understand how many ninjas there were in the 1980s.
*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.
4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.
Me: How do we do that?
4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”
I might be raising Elmer Fudd.
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
Sometimes I want to be really rich but I also know I’d buy a beluga whale as a pet and get in the bad habit of hiring hit men too often so maybe it’s better.
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
🤣🤣
