“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
You Might Also Like
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked
So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?That’s Bullshit.
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.
CW: My phone says 81.
Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
Starting a small business is too hard. I’m just going to start a big business then wait for some of it to fail
My political views don’t have to be the same as your political views and that’s ok. One of us has to be a dumbass.
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day
Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap
CLEANING TIP- When cleaning windows or other glass products, you can apply orange juice to particularly grimy spots. This does not work however.
Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
My dad, who was a nurse, told my mum he would absolutely not take take toddler me to the nurse’s strike picket lines and got busted when my Auntie Sue rang to tell my mum that I was on the 6 o’clock news on my dad’s shoulders, waving a little placard.
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
Friend: Well, the more you know-
Me: The sadder you’ll feel
Friend:
Me: Is that not the phrase?
Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong
Me: *crying* Well the more you know
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
The baby of our family starts school next week. When he was 4 years old in Pre-K he had 6 older siblings in the same school. He is now the last one standing, entering high school. I asked if he was nervous and he said, “It’s taken a decade but I’m finally my own man.”
He’s 14.
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today