“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
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me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body
clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave
First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*
Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*
Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
Boss: How was vacation?
Me: Better than this.
Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.
6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent
I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
Cardio Made Easy
Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.
I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.
Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
I’m at that point on a Monday where no.
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.