Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you

me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious

There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.

oh sorry i cant im busy that day

“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*

The same fruit bar has been going back and forth in my kid’s lunch for so long that at this point it’s load-bearing

I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.

date: your glasses make you look smart

me: well i had to fail a test to get them so

Nobody likes a complainer but they’re needed for a functioning society. You know how humanity gets compared to frogs in boiling water and everything is getting bad so gradually we won’t even notice? Not if I’m around

Called in, “I put the lime in the coconut and drank it all up.”

The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.

Tuah Kill a Hawkingbird

These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.

Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.

If poetry is dead, then explain this:

My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing

I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”

Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.

Me: Why is your face so cold??

Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.

DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl

* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me

“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”

I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.

12

The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house

My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex

Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?

If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.

My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.

Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.

things i’ve picked my teeth with:

– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grass

things i’ve never picked my teeth with:

– toothpick

[invention of fish net stockings]

fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!

fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?

fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn

[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]

[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]

me: do ya wanna…?

uber driver: no