This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.
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You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.
No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
texting my friend “why’s there a firetruck at ur house” while he’s boarding a plane to Europe
I tell my kids winning isn’t everything and then I steal money from the monopoly bank.
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression
Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?
What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]
Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.
6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?
Me:
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
God: *creates sunset*
Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?
God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.
It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
he’s sick of your bullshit today
