Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

instead of being able to object at weddings we should be able to object at nursing school graduations

Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.

even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’

That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.

imagine jeffrey dahmer walking into a 5 guys and reading the menu like well that’s def not what i was expecting.

If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you

A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years

Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.

Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy

But should I sneeze on him just for fun?

*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who

A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.

It was a tragic accident.

Gone too soon.

Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.

[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK

Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”

Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.

only writing recipes in wordart from now on

Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.

I resigned after being refused a pay rise and submitted six applications for my job. Mgmt gloated how far better candidates had applied to replace me. I gloated when none of them turned up for interview. Had to buy sim cards and create emails to pull this off. Totally worth it.

Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”

-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no variety

Exclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”

-classy
-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you

“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”

The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!

[Boss’ office]
“You’re late AGAIN.”
Drove back for my phone.
“Why do need it at work?”
It’s all I do.
“WHAT?”
I said, IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU.

Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself

My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.

Sing it!

Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.

Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion

Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.

Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need

Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!

Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?

Me: *slides tampons across counter*

Cashier: Nevermind…

My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”