This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
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Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]
*you’re
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
He looks like he’s got a lot to say
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
Cameraman here. If I’m in the newsroom during a live news broadcast I ring my mates and they get their kids to watch, as I tell them to look at the newsreader’s shoulder, at which point I stand up and magically appear in the background. The kids love it.
Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.
Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
Them: how old are you
Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.
[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird