This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
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Elon Musk made $180M when PayPal was acquired in 2002.
He put $100M in SpaceX, $70M in Tesla, and $10M in Solar City. He borrowed money for rent.
Now, he’s worth $190 billion.
The greatest entrepreneurs aren’t driven by money; it’s a byproduct of success.
Much like an Olympic sprinter, I also load up on carbs, exert myself for roughly two minutes, and then quit for the rest of the day.
At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”
Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?
Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.
Dora: *stares blankly*
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me: *nervous sweating*
Dora: that was my favorite part too!
Me: Oh thank god
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.
Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.
11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day
I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.
[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good
the saddest jazz hands ever
