This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
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Corgi: why are my legs so short?
God: that’s just what legs look like.
Corgi: oh cool.
[giraffe walks by]
Corgi:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
Spider-Man: I climb like a spider and shoot webs to prevent crime!
Ant-Man: I shrink to the size of an ant to defeat enemies!
Cowboy: I uh
Spider-Man: Go on!
Cowboy *quietly* I have 4 stomachs
This Halloween take a moment to remember the time Scott Kelly smuggled a gorilla suit to the ISS to scare the shit out of his fellow astronauts.
[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM
If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
Boy: Daddy can you beat a vampire?
Me: Well vampires don’t exis-
Boy: Can you beat a black hole?
Me: A black hole is-
Boy: A rhino?
Me: The thi-
Boy: A T-Rex?
Me: Wel-
Boy: Mike’s dad?
Me: Yes.
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.
[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
is it too early for christmas memes
All of you number neighbor people are going to get yourselves killed. Stop talking to strangers that could potentially live near you. You’re going to get murdered or make a friend. Both are terrible.
[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows
HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!
“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
My wife complains when mosquitoes get into the house, but she gets super mad when I release bats in the living room. Make up your mind, woman!
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37
[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those
I swear to god after this election I’m taking a long break from social media for 2-3 hours
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut