This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
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My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
Someone in their late 20s giving advice to someone in their early 20s is exactly like when a toddler is obsessed with a newborn
political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”
Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?
Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
you can’t prove that threatening a toilet doesn’t work
*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
sometimes I think about my physics professor who proudly brought his twin babies to class & w/tears in his eyes said I’ve been waiting my entire life to demonstrate the inertia twin paradox and started running around the classroom with one baby. I hope he’s having a good day
HR: Can you explain why your drug test shows incredibly high levels of THC?
Me: Tennessee Hot Chicken? Yeah, I eat that every time I get high.
Me: I’ll get to sleep an extra hour on Sunday.
My bladder: Hahaha.
Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.
what’s in a name?
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee
I hope they boil the right one.
Three dinosaurs come across a magic lamp. Out pops a genie who grants them 3 wishes. The first dinosaur wishes for a big hunk of meat. The second wishes for a shower of meat. The third dinosaur not to be outdone wishes for a meatier shower.
*at interview*
Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.