this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
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(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
[Person about to invent vaping] I wish this mango smoothie was on fire.
Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test
Detainee: I mean ok
Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
Siri, fight Alexa.
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
Car Salesman: This baby gets 26mpg and check out this nice interior!
Me: *placing several hot dogs in the cup holder* It’s not bad
I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair
1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.
When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.
My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.
I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]
Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?