this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
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We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
Friend: What are you doing this weekend?
Me: Amusement Pork.
Friend: You mean Amusement Park?
Me: No, I don’t.
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.
[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.
My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.
Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
Science has enough bodies I’m donating mine to English lit just to spice things up a bit
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
Due to unfortunate circumstances things are no longer fergalicious nor bootylicious
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
My wife handed me a clean towel and told me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.
The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.
DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.
Ok cat haters, explain this…