this is the kind of friend i am
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vegan witches, happy halloween!
I think costco should be the next president of the united states
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
if you can’t find a man on a dating app, store bought is fine
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
25 years ago we decided that nerds were actually cool and good. now they control the world and the complete destruction of human civilization draws nigh. I have no choice but to call up the kids who bullied me in high school for One Last Job
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”
Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.
Me: How much do I owe?
Gov’t: You have to figure that out.
Me: I just pay what I want?
Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.
Me: What if I get it wrong?
Gov’t: You go to prison
[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”
I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.
couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?
Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
If it ain’t broke, my kids haven’t used it yet.
Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.
[taking my date for a walk in the woods]
HER: this sure is a dense forest
ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell
I’ll do a psychic reading for you free of charge on account of I have no idea what I’m doing