this is the kind of friend i am
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well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
{phone call}
MRS. TURTLE: Hello?
MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours
MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close
MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on
producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?
the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word
producer: sounds bad
the killers: its the greatest song ever written
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???
Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
[walking into museum]
i must read each and every description, really soak up the history
*after 20 minutes*
can i sit on this or is it art?
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
[inventing Canada geese] what if bagpipes could fly
I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
Whoever named them fitting rooms has a lot of nerve
Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.