this is the kind of friend i am
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“comparison is the thief of joy” well sure if you’re a loser
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.
Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-
Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!
[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
My children, who were born two years apart, recently informed me they are actually twins, that they know this on a soul-level, and that what happened was my youngest got tangled in a tube inside me somewhere and just sort of… hung out for two years on accident
I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
If you love someone, let them sleep.
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”
A new level of troll.
My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he’ll never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 💛.
As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…