Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road

I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.

I know VERY basic Japanese.

When I got to Japan, I tried a Japan exclusive Starbucks drink. My bf is allergic to nuts so in perfect Japanese I asked,

“does this have nuts in it?

The cashier said “ooh, nut allergy?” (In Japanese)

I responded…..

“Sí.”

…

I HAVE NO WORDS 😭

hey boy are you the sun because you were a big part of my life this summer but now i feel like i never see you

Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.

My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives

Asked Nonna what her biggest insecurity was when she was a young woman. She said she didn’t have time for that because of Mussolini

got too drunk in the vietnamese restaurant last night, they said i can never go back. they banh mi

I slept like a log last night.

A badger pissed on me.

Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.

How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop

#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:

“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”

[first day as a detective]

ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!

OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there

Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.

Me: I can’t stand them more.

Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.

Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*

all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone

“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.

sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online

sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭

Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT

what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN

what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk

IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice

ME: I really don’t know what you want from me

My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.

I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear

She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.

*sees cute boy checking me out*

me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards

ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD

finally

My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.

Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.