This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
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Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.
So this one time, a friend asked me to PLEASE read a book so we could talk about it.
I read it… and I was like, um… I didn’t really like it…
Her: *happily* I know, right? Neither did I!
And I think this is my villain origin story.
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
6yr old: (screaming in terror) there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!
Daddy: I’ll get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don’t worry, he’s dead now.
6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)
guy cleaning a diner bathroom let me walk in but said “no poo poo” and I very seriously nodded and assured him “no poo poo”
physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
My 7yo: Mom, were you alive in the one-thousands?
Me: What?
7yo: The ONE-THOUSANDS
Me: *dawning realization* Yes…..yes I was born in the one-thousands. In the 1980’s.
7yo: WHOA 🤯
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
Me *Screams at mountain*: I LOVE YOU!
Mountain *echoes back*: I have a boyfriend…. oyfriend…end…nd
I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
Scientists says humans are the most evolved, but bears get to get fat all summer and then sleep for 4 months, so who’s really ahead
Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.