Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Unless:

-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering food

Do NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet

Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.

FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.

I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift

Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!

#curvyissexy

It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.

Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners

I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.

Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.

One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.

Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.

Me: Where? The basement?

Daughter: No, up in my room.

Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?

Daughter:

I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?

*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*

This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.

-talking to drunks & puppies

I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.

Me: Flirting is fun

Me when actually flirting: OMG HOW DO I DO THIS. WHATS A WINK. IVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO BREATHE. YOUR FACE IS TIDY. HOW DO I HUMAN. HELP.

My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.

Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE

My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs

8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!

8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles

Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.

Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”

My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.

So I’ve sent in my wedding album.

What?

My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life

I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…

waiting for me in the fridge at home.

I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.

ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait

[First Date]

I’ll just have a salad.

[Second Date]

*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*

Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”

Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?