Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

RANGER: watch out for wolves

ME: oh ya?

RANGER: so relentless-

[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST

MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.

[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM

I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.

My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.

[job interview]

Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.

stopped in at my local wine shop to grab a bottle and was told that on a normal Tuesday they would be at $1500 in sales but they’re already around $10k lmao

[at White Castle]

clerk: can I get your name
me: Carly
clerk: Carla?
me: Carly
clerk: Carleen?
me: no, Carly, like Carly Rae Jepsen

[5 minutes later]
clerk: Ray Jepsen, order’s up!

[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.

Well well well…

Cop: I’m going in, cover me!

Me:*speed knits blanket*

Squirrel having fun.. 😅

Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.

1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.

2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.

3. Death is an added advantage.

if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.

Storm about to blow in, very windy, out in my yard talking to neighbor

Neighbor: *talking, shifts*

Me: *shifts, too, talking*

N: *moves, keeps talking*

M: *moves, too, keeps talking*

N: Why are you copying me? Wait…Are you using me to block the wind?

Me: Yes

N: *laughing*

Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.

My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”

It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.

I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are

“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”

Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.

Damn girl, are you the majority of the American population? Because you look like you could use a high-speed rail

omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc

To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”

Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.

Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*

“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.

My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.

relationship status:

[ ] single

[ ] taken

[X] waiting for the spaceship to return

Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.

Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.