This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.
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If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.
Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]
funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?
employee: well every time i put his left leg in…
Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
Silicon valley: here’s an app that can show you what you’d look like as a manatee
Me: can I please have cell phone service in the elevator?
Silicon valley: no.
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.
Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!