Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda

The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.

Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.

Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.

Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.

Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree

[wheel of fortune]

me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel

Beware of fowl play.

They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!

I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”

I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.

Let me make something perfectly clear.

– Anyone who has washed a window

70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”

“We’d love to hear your feedback about our site!”

I don’t think you will….

Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.

My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss

*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*

My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?

7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.

Scientist: what do u know about atoms

Me: very little

Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.

Not sure how it’s happened but my phone has started autocorrecting ‘thinking’ to ‘honking’ which has dramatically undermined about 90% of texts I’ve sent recently

Her: Was your child gifted?

Me: No, we had him naturally

Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.

me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles

1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?

“Wish You Were Beer!”

Wait…no…that’s right…send.

Siri just told me that traffic is light and I can make it home in 7 minutes. I am home. Where tf does she think we’re at right now.

At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game

“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead

Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.

Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.

[hotel]

me: do you offer turndown service

concierge: sorry no

me: thank you

Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today

I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.