This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!
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Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
Dear parents,
Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.
my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
had to share :’)
The French word for sex is croissant.
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.
Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark
Wife: nonsense, we’re on land
*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.
*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?
People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.