Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”

My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.

“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”

– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am

Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown

Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life

Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!

A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.

That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.

How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now

Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.

Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?

Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.

Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.

Her: Why is that expression on your face?

Me: I’m trying to remember your name.

Her: It’s Kelly.

Me: No that’s not it.

[first day working at the zoo]

Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-

Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys

A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit

>Take medicine to prevent symptoms
>The symptoms don’t occur

Wow I can’t believe I didn’t even need to take the medicine

Him: Let’s go out tonight.

Me: It’s a work night and very late.

Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.

Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?

date: I like it when guys know what they want in life

me: *megaphone right in her face* ham

You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.

Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.

In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.

Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water

Guy 2: why

Guy 2: well it’s shark week

Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is

OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]

[War in Heaven]

Lucifer: You must choose a side.

Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?

St Peter: welcome to the afterlife

me: damn… there’s more?

This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.

I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.

I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.

Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.

My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.

SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]

Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.

me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo

I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭

College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.