this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
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Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
Sat in the waiting room at the vet and a lady just came walking in and goes “oh f**k, I’ve left the dog at home” 😂😂
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way
ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.
Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.
“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed
Catercrombie & Fish
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?
[getting out of prison after 10 years]
GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things
ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi
Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
Person: Do you have a license for that thing?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked years ago.
Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*