this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
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Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
me: babe come quick
wife: what?
me: just hurry
wife: no, it’s always something dumb
me: not this time
*wife walks into living room*
me: i put the dog in a suit
wife: i want a divorce
me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator
I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.
A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW
[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
A loan officer put a stack of his business cards on a shelf in the grocery store’s egg section.
The armadillo implies the existence of a legadillo.
I’m not into casual sex. Send me a résumé.
Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.
HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair
Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.