this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
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i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol
My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.
Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
[in high school]
me: that’s the guy I like…
friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-
me:
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE
my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there
candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars
Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!
ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.
HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!
ME: That’s fine
6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈
Me – Why?
6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂
Me – 😢
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
Good morning all 👋 have a good one 🙏👌
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
i want enemies
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
Priorities
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you