Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough

[first day as producer]

superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME

me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*

Welcome to your 40s, your level of cleaning is directly related to whether your guest can see without readers.

“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.

I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined

*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*

Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.

My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP

Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.

I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”

They should make a moral fiber supplement

My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂

Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup

Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.

[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards

I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.

hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated

The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.

[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant

Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.

I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight

My kid—who potentially had an allergic reaction to shrimp last week—just got extremely worried that he couldn’t eat a favorite food anymore, and I got to be the one to share the good news that whipped cream does not normally contain shellfish.

VAMPIRE: ur making this weird

ME: my neck is ticklish!

Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.

When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already

China has now legalised all gambling on the condition that it doesn’t make any political statement or upset public order.

Congratulations China, you are all now free to bet.

[Amazon marketing emails]

‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*

‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*

‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*

‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*

*looks in mirror*

Hmm *—add to basket*

Siri, where did I go wrong?

Siri: How long you got?

Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.