this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
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[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.
CW: My phone says 81.
Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.
BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it
If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single
😭😭
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches
My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.
as president, I will allow people to use the same password as before when changing their password
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
Me: What’s your favorite fruit?
Son #2: Tacos.
Me: No, I said fruit.
S2: You have my answer.