this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
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Billy Joel is wearing damp clothes because he didn’t start the dryer
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?
Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
Seems kinda suspicious
ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it
[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*
Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.
the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.
familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
Dookie Cough is how folks were dying on the Oregon trail.
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
An app..
An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.
-Twitters new slogan
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope
[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.