This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.
funny guys are dangerous they make you laugh and laugh then boom they hit you with a shovel and throw you in a ditch
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
Today is International “Hug Your Cat” day. Which means tomorrow is International “Band-aid and Neosporin” day.
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
Bike for sale
I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.
I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”
Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
[when I watch tv & eat chips]
If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.
Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
Last night, I hid the Oreos under my son’s folded clothes in a basket and asked him to put it away… which he SWEARS he did.
Now he’s standing in front of the pantry freaking out that the Oreos are gone. Who wants to tell him?
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
barbara was highly relatable
My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was
Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything
Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-
Me:
H: Your mom is very smart
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
