This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.
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*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*
Me: And now we wait
[2 days later] *nothing*
[1 week later] *still nothing*
[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now
Me: I said, we wait!!!
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!
A completely valid reaction tbh
Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!
Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
Him:When do you get off?
Me: Usually once you go to sleep
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.
I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!
I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT
4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
Me: I only use one side of my brain.
Them: Which side?
Me: The bad one.
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
insane that you have to defend yourself at the end of the ph.d. why are you attacking me i’m so tired
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.
Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.
I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.