this is the most humiliating day of my life
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Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
Snacking is the boredom activity you can do with your pants on
C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*
Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.
Unfair that the older I get, the clearer photo quality gets.
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!
Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:
Some people can start a task and then just finish it instead of trying to do a hundred things at once like a squirrel on crack
For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!