this is the most humiliating day of my life
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I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets
Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?
Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
Yesterday one of my students told me that if he ever he runs into a teacher out in public he will never say hello because it would “Damage his street cred” so I reminded him that he has no street cred cause his mom still makes his lunch
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”
Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]
Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
the battle rages on
BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!