this is the most humiliating day of my life
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Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
“What? Why?”
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?
ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along
ME: We really need you on top the horse
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.
At McDonalds
Cashier: You total is to tell your kids that you love them
Me: Look lady if I loved them I wouldn’t be feeding them this crap
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
It’s funny how fast small children lose interest in what you have to say when they find out you’re a paleontologist who isn’t an expert in dinosaurs. I’m showing you a mammoth arm bone, I don’t know what more you want from me!
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
this is supposed to be an 18 year old
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.