this is the most humiliating day of my life
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Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.
Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.
If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
marvel comics have peaked
wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?
[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
It’s like joking about bombs in the TSA security line. Is it protected speech? Yes. Is it a crime? No. Are you going to have a bad day? Yes.
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
Her: Do we have any chicken stock?
Me: I’m not sure what that has to do with soup, but I’ll call my broker on Monday.
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon
Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.
Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.