this is the news I live for
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went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”
“thats $2,380”
(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”
I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that
I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt
COP: License and registration.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: License, please.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: I’m not gonna ask again.
BATMAN: I’m Bat-
COP: Alright, hands on the car.
BATMAN: Batmobile.
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
So good at ordering donuts my doctor is ordering me a special pill to take every morning.
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
I misplaced Dwayne Johnson’s cutting tool for the origami workshop.
I can’t believe I lost the Rock’s Paper Scissors.
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: oh god
doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared
So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.
But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.
I call bullshit.
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢
Me: Grandma you are 92 and have heart disease you cannot let ppl in your house
Gma: Ok I can cancel the piano lessons
Me: What about the housekeeper
Gma: Already talked to her
Me: and the lady that comes to do your hair
Gma: Oh now you’re talking crazy
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.