This is the one
You Might Also Like
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
4-year-old: Are goats real?
Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.
4: *runs away*
Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.
Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!
[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH
Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired
cop: *vomits*
detective: first axe murder, huh?
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
Dune is timeless because its message resonates with everyone who, in order to get the job they want, had to “ride” a “giant worm”
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.
I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.
3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.
HOW TO BE A LAWYER:
Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.
Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”
So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days