This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
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I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite
Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool
Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds
Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho
Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers
Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-
Scientist: They wore socks with sandals
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.
I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale
The early 2000s
My friends: I met a boy in a chat room, he was so cool
Me: *having just roleplayed a sword wielding, scarred half elf in a tavern chat room* yes I also very boys
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”
Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?
Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me