This is the only criticism of millenials I will accept

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Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?


haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table


All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.

All the ones with all of the above are fictional.


Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?

Wife: Right here!




Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?

Me: Yes


We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.


villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.

me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]

[rain starts immediately]

[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]


No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”


If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.


Referring to her 28-day cycle as her Doomsday Clock is wrong…

I know that now…


I’m a narsciic- narcssiss- narcasassi- narcysis-narcis-

I’m better than you.