@hahaahahahahaha

This is the only criticism of millenials I will accept

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@thagr8short1

Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?

@_rubdirtonit

haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table

@TheAdly

All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.

All the ones with all of the above are fictional.

@FatherWithTwins

Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?

Wife: Right here!

Me:

Wife:

Me:

Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?

Me: Yes

@WilliamAder

We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.

@iamburtjarvis

villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.

me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]

[rain starts immediately]

[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]

@SteveKoehler22

No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”

@AudreyPorne

If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.

@archerenemy

Referring to her 28-day cycle as her Doomsday Clock is wrong…

I know that now…

@shkeeber

I’m a narsciic- narcssiss- narcasassi- narcysis-narcis-

I’m better than you.