This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
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My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
[zombies eating me]
Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?
Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.
Someone isn’t trying.
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly
How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.
If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.
Your honor these allegations are
I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.
– two things I’ve learned the hard way
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.
Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!
[8 years later]
Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.
I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
This tweet lives in my head rent free.