Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
You Might Also Like
I like sleeping, it’s like death without the commitment.
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
DAVID BOWIE: We can be heroes!
DAVID BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: Oh. OK.
*bins blueprint for Batcave*
PSA for campus drivers
“You called about a break-in?”
“Just some food.”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.