No, YOUR illiterate.
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
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My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
Coworker:I’ll take care if it.
You’re gonna take care of it. You just don’t know it yet.
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”