This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
You Might Also Like
me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?
satan: yup
me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway
satan: you got it
me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
Phones down.
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
Her: so tell me a fun fact
Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!
H: I mean about yourself…
M: …I know the plural of octopus
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
My dog: PLAY WITH ME!
Me: *grabs toy*
My dog: not that one….. nope…..not that one either…hate that one…. never that one….what was the first one again?….still no….
This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.
Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?
Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.