@chuuew

This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]

You Might Also Like

@thedad

Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.

@iGreenBabe

I like sleeping, it’s like death without the commitment.

@cloudypianos

“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food

@newstart43

I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.

@iGreenMonk

There are two types of people in this world:

1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once

2)Liars

@Diversion50

DAVID BOWIE: We can be heroes!

ME: Great!

DAVID BOWIE: Just for one day.

ME: Oh. OK.

*bins blueprint for Batcave*

@UncleDuke1969

“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”

@tylerschmall

Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.