Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery

Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days

Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.

I’ve fallen on some hard Times.

POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call

I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!

Gross, who put proof in this pudding?

Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet

Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.

If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.

I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.

Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.

Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.

Walking around the neighborhood trying to figure out where Amazon delivered my package this time is the self-checkout of online ordering

I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.

*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”

My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…

So I took the car key off of his keychain…

He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now

there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them

Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.

I’m waiting in the school parking lot and a grandpa picking up twin preschool girls just yelled at one of them, “GET YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR PANTS,” and some other little boy in the parking lot jumped like he’d been caught. It’s chaos out there.

[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting

10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat

saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there

Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away

Me: I have a toothache.

WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.

I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.

Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.

Don’t ask me how I know this.

I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.

If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.

A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.

My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.