Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.

Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back

Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber

My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.

This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.

I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.

If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first

[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!

Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment

Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here

[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”

*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*

why isn’t this lamp working

What’s the point buying it then?

I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.

“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”

– my 2 year old

The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”

If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.

Education is vital

Good morning!

[dinner party at spooky castle]

host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..

guests: *gasp*

host: ..without a HUG!

15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.

NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.

Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.

Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream

Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.

Once again I find myself asking “How long can I stay in the bathroom before one of my employees realizes I’m gone?”

Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-

“Honey, you’re wrong.”

Brain: I give up.

I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.

My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot

My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.

Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me

Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word

What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school