THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.“Wrong house guys.”
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
“Yup, happens a lot.”
OKAY COOL, SORRY.
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I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project
boss: what about blood
disguised vampire: huh?
boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right
disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean
Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU
ME: [wakes up] finally
BOOGEYMAN: what?
ME: let’s do this
BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it
ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour
BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
I put out peanuts for the birds every morning and they have started bringing me elastic bands. I don’t speak bird, what could this mean, and do I have to eat the elastic bands now?
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
[praying in church]
Please God let church end early
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”
God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones
Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?
God: eh you’ll figure it out
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
*holding a hose*
Husband: What are you doing?
Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.
Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?
Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby