Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”

* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing

I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it

I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum

You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again

-Plagiarists

Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.

One day you’re young and carefree, the next somebody refers to a movie set in the 80s as a period piece.

Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?

don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.

*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*

Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open

Me: No problem

spiders in your apartment after the landlord paints over them

I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.

Me: *sits down near my cat*
My cat: That reminds me, I need to bathe loudly.

[A tissue manufacturer meeting]

“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”

If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle

*first time in a long time at the dentist*

Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.

Me:

Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.

I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to watch their kids

If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.

“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies

Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…

I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.

Time for a new house.

My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.

I am thick and tired. 🙄

Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.

Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?

The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”

Cashier: this coupon expired last week

Me: so did this yogurt

Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.

this is supposed to be an 18 year old

I…do not understand how electricity works.

When I take a walk, I bring dog treats and people treats. I almost never mix them up.

I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid

Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.