this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes
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Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
ME: my wife and i are having a baby!
FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?
ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…
Person: What’s your handicap?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t golf.
Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
How toddlers and cats are alike:
– they’re cutest when they’re asleep
– they will absolutely destroy your sofa
– they both eat out of the cat’s bowl
“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?
INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?
ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?
I: um no that’s not
ME: I bet they use a puppercut
It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again
Bro, you’re not allowed to have your tongue drop out of your mouth and form a stair case when you see my wife anymore
[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.
Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
“Does this look infected?”
*points to the entire world*
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
How to really enjoy the rain:
1. Stand at the window (inside)
2. Put non-tea drinking hand on hip
3. Sip tea from mug
4. Say “look at that rain” or “it’s really coming down now”
5. Ask someone else if it’s raining where they are
6. Say the garden needs it
7. Eat all the biscuits
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.