“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
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My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.
Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]
my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning
Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera
My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.
*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
i once made an offhand comment at summer camp that got a laugh so i remembered it for a year and worked it into conversation the next summer but it didn’t get a laugh that year. so you see i don’t need to do stand-up, i’ve already internalized its lessons.
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
it’s hard to believe that this long, crazy election will finally be over in a few months
My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
Silence of the Lambs is so relatable to me cuz I also understand the importance of moisturizing
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…
An app where you and your SO swipe left and right on restaurants until there’s a match. No talking, no negotiation. Who’s building this?
the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.
Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.