Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.

My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.

grandpa said he didn’t want a fuss

‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’

~me, parenting teens

the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example

earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on

Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?

People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.

PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS

If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean

If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.

How?

Having switched her bedroom light off last night, I softly said goodnight to my 11yr old. Tenderly moving her hair from her face and telling her that I loved her, she looked at me and responded with:

“Your teeth are illuminous.”

This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.

I fall in love too easily.

Wait..

It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily

the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside

I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.

People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”

Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.

My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.

Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.

Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understand

But french fries, french fries understand you

anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me

me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP

also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((

I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.

Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom

[i get back from the supermarket]

wife: did you forget about dre

me: nope

wife: did you remember the alamo

me: yep

wife: did you get the eggs

me: goddammit

WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats

ME: *barely audible* orca-strated

HER: Get out!

Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.

[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall

Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.

Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED

just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father

Told my twins at their basketball game to slay and don’t be beta skibidi and it felt like a dream to embarrass two kids at once.